One Year Ago

It is truly hard to believe that today marks one year since I started my blogging journey. I can’t believe it has been that long since my first post, Isabelle’s Rainbows. I regularly get texts from friends with pictures of beautiful rainbows that they spotted during their day-to-day lives. It always puts a smile on my face and is a beautiful reminder that my daughter is praying for her family from heaven.

Now, one year later, there are only a few days left until my scheduled C-section on October 6. Admittedly, I am nervous about being in an operating room again. My last visit to one was an emergency situation that resulted with me under general anesthesia within minutes. I awoke later to what became the worst day of my life. To say that I am a bit anxious about taking another trip to the operating room is an understatement.

I see this as another major obstacle on the grieving journey. Several of the obstacles that I have faced this past year include the holidays and Isabelle’s birthday. I thought her birthday would be the hardest, but knowing that I am going back to an operating room has proved to be even more stressful than I imagined.

We have talked through all the details of October 6 with our doctor and exhausted an extensive list of questions. We have been to the hospital several times since July 2014, and have even done a tour of the new postpartum wing. The paperwork is done, and I have a folder with detailed instructions regarding the surgery. We are as prepared as possible. Yet, somehow I feel like there is nothing I can do to really prepare for the anxiety that comes with delivering Mark in the same room as Isabelle.

As we count down the final days to Mark’s arrival, it seems appropriate that I would reach the one-year mark of my blog. It has detailed my journey of being the mother of a tiny saint in heaven and with pregnancy after loss. I am looking forward to, God willing, sharing my journey of raising our, what the blogging world has appropriately called, “rainbow baby” (baby born after the loss of another baby). The symbolism is particularly significant to our family since rainbows always make us think of the beautiful ones that Isabelle gave us in the days following her funeral. Rainbows symbolize hope, something Isabelle clearly wants us to have as we look towards a future with Mark. It almost seems like she knew that we would have a rainbow baby, and wanted us to know she was happy about that.

Perhaps that is what I will choose to think about in the hours before my surgery – Isabelle’s rainbows. Rainbows are a reminder of the fact that, in a way, she is always with her family, and is praying for us.

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3 comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Have been thinking about and praying for you, Matt, and baby Mark often as the arrival date approaches. We are so excited for you! <3 -Randi W

  2. coastalmom says:

    Praying for a perfect delivery. And for God to begin sifting in a peace like none you have ever experienced. For you to know without an inkling of a doubt that HE’S got this one and that your baby will be perfect and grow up healthy and that Isabelle will be always be a part of your family. A gift that has helped you grow into the amazing little family you will be. You will have tons of prayer warriors praying on October 6th. May God bless you and your family and may your peace begin this minute!

  3. Dawn Arquette says:

    You and your husband will be in my prayers Sarah! I have not experienced the loss of a child in the same way you have but have experienced loss, trauma and grief and there is no sure way to prevent the anxiousness or stress. Giving it ALL up to God is the only way and it’s sure easier said then done. God knows your heart and knows of your stress. He will guide you and give you comfort. My prayers will continue for the beautiful, safe and healthy arrival of Mark and of course for you during surgery!

    Sincerely in Christ,
    Dawn

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