Recently, I received my first baby shower invitation since losing my daughter. I am not angry about it. I am sure the sender was conflicted as to whether I would be offended from not getting an invite at all, or upset from receiving an invitation to celebrate the upcoming birth of a little girl. This is something that I had never considered when I have been a part of baby showers in the past.
Receiving the invitation brought back a wave of emotions and memories from the three beautiful showers that were thrown for me. I received dozens of adorable outfits and supplies that remain untouched and collecting dust in Isabelle’s closet. Sometimes I visit her room and stare into her closet full of baby supplies. It almost seems like I dreamed my pregnancy and that the supplies have no use. Although all of those baby items are useless at the moment, my pregnancy certainly was not a dream.
The closet is also a reminder of the plans that we had for our daughter. In June, for Father’s Day, I spent time brainstorming all of the reasons why Isabelle loved her daddy. I typed them up and put them in a mug labeled “A ‘cup’ le of reasons why I love you” Love, Your Daughter. The mug contained phrases like “You are going to pay for my college education” and “You are going to teach me everything I need to know to be successful in life.” Although these were supposed to be Isabelle’s words, they were also our dreams for her – the things that we had hoped and planned for her future. Now, that cup sits perched on the top shelf of the closet looking down on all of the unused baby supplies.
My hope is that one day in the future, a sibling will use this closet full of Isabelle’s things. I am sure when we get to that point, it will be a bit emotional. At the same time, I am sure Isabelle will be smiling down on us, happy that her little brother or sister will be able to use her belongings.